Covid, grief / Joy, 2nd baby

It’s been a long time since I’ve updated this blog. Life has been too crazy around here. Motherhood, being a wife, being a daughter, being a sister, I play a lot of parts. Sometimes I get too emotional about that, maybe it’s my hormones, but my emotions are heightened these days.

The world has almost been locked up for 2 years because of Covid. So many people has suffered on different things, like unemployment due to lock downs, business closing, lost of a loved one, getting sick. Too much horrors, too much grief. I’ve personally known some people that already passed away because of this pandemic. It’s all too sudden, they were cremated, or buried without their love ones, some even just gave birth or was forced to give birth due to their body being ravaged by this virus. However, amidst this, I am thankful that my family are all safe. I am safe. I’m even thriving with my job, I was able to get into a company that values their employees so much, I love working with driven people, it motivates me. My mom has given us a tindahan (small store) as well, I’m excited to open up and gain some income on it as well. My husband has invested in forex trading, and stocks so I hope we also gain from it.

I’m working hard, we’re having our 2nd son around October, and I’m excited but also worried due to the situation he will be born to. But I give it all to God, there’s nothing else that I can do.

I have a lot of dreams right now, it’s all been shifted after I became a mother. I want to have a house of our own, to have my own garden and my husband with his fish pond. To have a ground where my kids could play. I’d love to have our own car as well, so I don’t have to feel guilty everytime we use Mama’s car. I’m not used to asking for anything from her. I grew up thinking that I shouldn’t ask for anything because we’re poor, so until now I still have that. I don’t know how to ask for anything. But the Lord is with me, with Him I know how. I know that I won’t be judge by asking, or he won’t be angry with me when I ask. So I fully ask him for these things, if it is His will.

I dream of raising my boys to be good men. To be men of God, to have a heart that is truly like Jesus. Not someone that thinks highly of themselves but are truly devoted to Him, not by works but by the love they could give. I pray that Lord will guide us, will guide me in raising them. My first born is Yohan Elijah and my 2nd one would be Julian Hezekiah. I am happy, I am joyful, I am grateful. I ask for God’s forgiveness because sometimes I murmur, or I have unbelief. Whatever it is everything is in His hands. These are all just ramblings…

Sense of Wonder

sense of wonder, it’s one thing that I love about myself before. I always see beauty in everything, in everywhere I go. The certain glow of sunshine, specifically around 2pm, sunsets, sunrise, windy afternoon, starry skies, big full moon, winding roads, seeing my destination road from afar (I’m not sure how to explain it properly). Whenever I look at people and where they live, a person biking while bringing bread, I imagine him coming home and enjoying it with his family over a cup of coffee, it brings warmth in my heart. I love seeing houses in the mountains, I don’t know how to explain it, by I love the feeling that they also have something exciting or relaxing to do up there. That warm feeling, that sense of wonder. I somehow lost or maybe forgotten it, I miss it terribly. I always ask myself how I’ve lost it, maybe adulthood did, maybe certain events in my life that disillusioned me.

Today, I realized why. I didn’t lost my appreciation of things, I didn’t lost that sense of wonder, but I lost the time to appreciate, I lost the time to just be still and wonder at the beautiful things around me. I used to just sit by the door or my window for hours, drinking a cup of tea, doing nothing just staring at nature, just admiring it. I used to set aside a time for that, until I lost it. I have so many things to do now that takes me away from that meditation. I pray that I’ll have that time back.

Motherhood

Motherhood has taught me to not seek recognition or commendation when I give my all, you just give without thinking that you’ll get something in return. It taught me what real love is, what selfless love is. This is how the Lord saves me from growing cold, from straying away from Him.

“Gusto ko nag close ta, gusto ko mag linkod ka tupad Nako”

When I was so passionate in my ministry or being recognized by being one, my heart is slowly growing cold, it is slowly growing out of love because when you get to taste praise, you wanted more, you ask for more, and it slowly getting a part of my heart that is reserved for only the Lord. He once again saved me, He saved me every time.

Years have passed by, I committed a lot of mistakes, sin, things that I should do and things that I shouldn’t do, but the Lord never left me, throughout those years, that I was struggling, that I was doing all those things that I know He won’t be proud of. He never left me. When I asked Him to be with me, to walk me down the aisle, He did. He filled my wedding with so much of His presence. He never left me, He values me the same. I am written in the palms of His hands.

Motherhood is not a setback, I sometimes cry because I’m thinking that I’m missing a lot in ministry, or I should be the one doing that, but the Lord has given me a new level of softening my heart, of humbling me, of enlightening me, of making me closer to Him, of fulfilling my purpose and that is to love Him and only Him. Not my name, not my recognition, not the pat in my back by people. But the sweetness of His voice someday pag abot Niya and He will call my name to come to Him. And finally, get to feel His embrace, to hear His voice.

Finally <3

I started to love books seriously back when the only recreation for me is reading. I didn’t watch too much tv when I was young. Instead, I locked my room and read until the wee hours. When I decided to move out from the house and rent my own apartment, I always wanted my book nook. I got a lot of books sitting in my cabinet, and I want it displayed! So after 5 years of living alone I finally was able to build my own bookshelf! YES! It took me that long. LOL, my previous apartments were the tiniest! Anyway, my fiancee painted it white, and now it’s pretttttyyy! ❤

The Reader

I started reading ‘The Reader’ tonight and I challenged myself to finish it before morning. I was very upset at dinner that I wanted to go out and just read somewhere quiet. So I got on a jeep and went to Divisoria’s McDonald and ordered chicken fritter, and thank God that I was able to find a single seat table with a view outside and read on. I was on the mid part of the book when I started to realize that the place is full-packed, I was so lost with my book that I didn’t noticed people are coming in and a waiter told me that he will now clean my table since my food was all consumed. I then felt that I should now go out since I don’t have money to buy more food and there were a lot of people waiting for a table to be vacated.  So I went out and decided to just purchase an icecream on 7/11 and finish my book there, but I was no longer upset and I just want to finish the book in the comfort of my apartment’s bed. I decided to walk to 7/11 and purchase something sweet and go home. I don’t have a single idea what time is it already, since people are still strolling around Divisoria, I was happy to find a wall clock on 7/11 though and it’s still 11pm. I hurry and bought a chocolate then walk straight to the jeepney stop. No jeep anymore but a motorela was there, so I went home and I was walking towards my apartment’s compound when I felt a hint of a childish joy, an old self, just looking on an old self, I don’t know how to explain it, I just knew that I was happy to be myself again, that melancholic child I once were. I felt like I was way too happy that I forgot about that sad child I was very familiar with, it’s not like I like being sad but that feeling you get when you see an old friend, the warmth of it, the comfort of a childhood that you once were so accustomed to. That old friend doesn’t have to be the sweetest memory, but it’s a connection to your past that you know whatever happens to you in the future, it will never be taken away from  you, it will always be with you wherever life may take you. People need to be alone sometimes, we need to shut the noise around us and just be with our own. That way you release the toxic thoughts, you release all the connection with the outside world, you just be curled up and get drowned with who you are and who you were.

Anyway back to the book, I am halfway through and it’s very interesting, It has some erotic scenes but I don’t read it thoroughly, I don’t like those part but I guess it’s an essential ingredient in order to present its premise. I am about to find out more about Hannah in this part 2 of the book and I’m still on with the challenge to finish it before morning so yes, bye for now!

Life is GOOOOD!

Life is really treating me well these days, and I think God for all the beautiful people that is in my life. My Fiancee, my friends, my family and my employers! My fiancee is doing great with his business as well, clients are coming in. These pictures were taken from High Ridge, we decided to ate here because it’s overlooking the whole city! it’s so refreshing. The food was good, the view is great and the company is amazinnnnng! 🙂 had a great time with them

It’s Been Too Long

Yes, I know I haven’t blog for awhile now and I got a lot of updating to do! Anyway, summer has been so exciting for me personally, it’s like an end of a difficult road for a season. Me together with my fiancee and friends visited Ilocos last March, right after the celebration of National Prayer Gathering in Manila. We were able to explore a lot of beautiful historical places in Vigan and Paoay, and were so entralled by the windmill and the beach in Pagudpud. It was such a great place and I was able to be very rejunevated by that trip! My friends were able to really get to know my fiancee for the first time and I’m super glad that they instantly click right away!

Some Pictures in Vigan, Pagudpu and Paoay

We were able to relax and enjoy the place a lot!! although yes the travel time sucks! You’ll have to endure long travel if you’re driving from Manila to Ilocos. However, the experience was something to linger in my memory forever!

Random Thoughts, Random Tears

I was just listening to Paul Buchanan’s Mid Air and suddenly I fell into contemplation. Most of the things I heard right now about courtship and relationship is to always show the guy motive to let him do his first move. To be honest there were so many times I tried to make a move to let the guy I like to know what I felt, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I just can’t. One of the things I told myself after the last relationship I had, is to find a guy that would court me and pursue me, not just befriend me and make me fall inlove with him. I am a lady and I really believe that I am worth pursuing for. I’ve kept myself ready for that person and I think I am worth being courted with, to be treated special, to find that guy that would show me that I am special, the person that would be marrying me and had already married me a thousand times in his dreams. I know this would be difficult but I know he’ll be out there. God is preparing him. The randomness of my thoughts amuses me.

Cello Lessons

I’ve not blogged for a long time haha It’s been super busy lately and even my time for breathing has been scarce(lol). Anyway I am adjusting pretty well with the school and my schoolmates, I’ve made enough friends in the music department and I can say that I am liking everyone of them. Upper years has been too sweet in tutoring me in my piano lessons, they would just enter the piano room and teach me. It was such a pleasure to be with them, sometimes we would gather in the music lobby and just sing songs.

Anyway I started my cello lesson last week and it was such an excitement! I love piano and cello together so if I’ll be able to play them both then that would be an awesomeness. The thing that I love about cello is it’s melancholic and deep sound, I kind of see myself in it.

My youngest brother is now an Engineer! I went home this weekend and celebrated my other brother’s birthday and congratulated my youngest bro. I super love it. I am very happy. Thank you so much Lord!

Ciao :*

Great day

The day got awesomer as it draws to close.It started on a very good breakfast with friends, they cooked fried rice, bacon, longganisa and egg, it was good to start the morning with lively chitchat. After eating I went to school and joined the class late. Nice and I went back to my pad to eat lunch and practice for our practical test on our voice class. She accompanied and we sang the notes. We came in late on our voice class, they’ve started vocalizing but we catch up and after awhile the dreadful practical exam started. We all have one piece to sing, it was the Concone fifty lesson no. 1, well all my classmates wasn’t able to get their accompanist so they sang accapella, too many flunked on the notes, but mostly it was because they don’t have an accompanist and it was nerve-racking. I was called and by then I realized how great my Father is, I have a virtuoso pianist as my friend and Nice accompanied me, I was suppeeerrr nervous and I kept telling myself that I’ve been singing for almost 10 years as a vocalist and been singing since I was 2, but it didn’t minimize it. As I started my first note, I didn’t hit it immediately and started a little shaky but after passing 4 notes, I got my confidence back and started singing fine. IT was okay I think I miss 1 note but it was all fine. I will make sure to ace it on our midterm then. heheheh anyway I have the greatest backer in the face of the earth, He was the maker of everything that moves and doesn’t hahaha He really chose the greatest friends for me, even when on my first course up until now, I have the best friends ever! I thank God for my compound girls and Nice.

I worked, practiced piano and meditate with my tea the whole afternoon and went to IVBI for our prayer watch 9-12 midnight. Marilou went with us so we have the luxury of riding in a car and eating fries inside. The theme/prayer points will be longing and I was the one playing the guitar as it has always been if we have prayer watches. We started singing and when we got to the song “That is why” we started crying and I was really crying heavily, I felt soooo much longing for God to hug me, to just lay my head on His shoulder and be released from all the weariness of life. I cried as I was reminded that the reason why I went to school to study music is to experience more of that part of Him, to know more about the art that I am lifting up to Him, to make Him smile, I was reminded of His love and my love for Him and how much I miss Him and how much I long for that day when He comes again. It was really good and after the prayer watch Marilou shared her vision to the group. She saw Jesus embracing me, Jesus wiping Leilani’s tears and tap Jen’s back. I also saw some movement while worship and I felt His presence in all of us. I was really very happy that I am so much love by God, I am so much love. I don’t even deserved it but He embraced me anyway. I prayed that “Lord I just want to hear You say that You love me, I just want to feel Your embraced” and He did it. I am so amazed and will forever be with the One True King of kings and Lord of lord, my FRIEND and my GOD! 🙂 SOooo happy.