For the past few months, I am in a state where in I am happy simultaneously I’m not. I am happy with how I am loved by my partner, he is very kind and very loving to me. He always compliment me and never cease to say “I love you” with not just words but by how he makes me feel. However I wasn’t really completely happy because of some changes in my life right now; I do have plans of getting married in the future with the man of my dreams but it isn’t so easy. People are judgmental and I’ve proven it now with clarity, even the people that you look up to and expect not to judge in some way will fail you. I am in a thread of going through or just letting go, I am pressed down so much. I have seen in the deepest recesses of my heart how pride crept in through me when people began to recognized my talent and anointing; my heart swells up with confidence and my head bloated with pride. I saw how wicked my heart had become from where it was years ago; how it turned out to be burned out after burning with so much flame of love and passion in my ministry for years. I became familiar and I was bored. Now I was pulled out from what I loved and it was painful for me, very painful indeed. People are now looking down at me and thinking that I was a failure; some people are messaging me and asking on ‘what about your calling Che?’ I know they’re just concerned but it hurts me a lot; they’re rubbing the wound with lemon, they think it will help but no! it’s reminding me about the pain of rejection. However I hold on to the promise I received from God that all this pain is preparing me for something greater. I cannot see it now, I really can’t, all I can think of is the pain and “will everything be okay someday?”. I don’t understand the ways of God sometimes but I trust in Him that He will bring me through all of this and I’ll see what He prepared for me in the future. I hold on to it and hope that one day He will heal me, all the pain in me. I will learn that the opinion of men will not affect my position in heaven and my worth in God’s eyes. I really hope that I will learn that there’s more to life than the applause of men and the recognition of many. I can truly say with all my heart that all the chasing after praises of men and all the chasing of happiness in this life is vanity. Nothing in this life will satisfy the deepest longing of men, at the end of the day you will know what truly remains. It’s not the talent, or monuments or trophies, or the applause of men, all of that are vanities and chasing after the wind, the only thing that will be remembered about you is your heart and the only One who will remember the entirety of it, is your Savior and your Judge. Remember it soul, remember it.
I super love him haha He fetched me yesterday at my pad because I don’t have any money left, even for fare, and he also gave me enough money to pay my water bill. So we went to the city’s water district and paid it (I was due for disconnection) lol. anyway after that we went to the beach, together with my classmates. We really had a good time with them, playing games. And the best memories collected on those simple moments together with him. ^_^
A glimpse of the sunset yesterday. super kewl!
I super love milktea and I recommended it to my boyfriend. He liked it as well, but he’s not that used to drinking tea so most of the time, I end up finishing his cup. Anyway, we both like this tea house near our school, the place is very cute and homey. Their milk teas are really good and i particularly love their honeydew milk tea.
The place is memorable for us because we made our commitment to get engaged next year there, and we spent our first valentines day together also in that place. The name of the tea house is Chingkee tea.
It’s been awhile since i last blogged. Things just got out of hand, I was so busy in school; music major is not an easy course, it’s very demanding but i love it. Anyway I was already done with my first year in taking up music and I’ve learned quite a lot already. Anyway, the most exciting part of it all is that I met my soulmate just a few months ago and he is also a music major!. Actually he’s been a friend since April 24, 2012. I first took notice of him back when i was leading a worship in an interchurch activity three years ago; it was when i finished singing and was going back to my chair, i then saw him staring intensely at me, I thought it was weird that he didn’t take away his eyes when i looked at him, and that sets him apart I guess because it got my attention. Anyway, the following week, I saw him playing the keyboard while singing and that’s when i recognized him and thought “oh okay he is also in a band, maybe that’s why he stared at me last time”.
He befriended me through facebook and we started chatting; we instantly clicked! he was like me in all aspect, I enjoyed the music that he shared and I really thought that he has a good taste. I like the way he sings and play the keyboard at the same time, It reminds me about my ideal man a lot and i found out that he’s in a music school; that was really awesome. Well i like him back then, I like talking to him and it was like i can just be crazy whenever we’re having a conversation through chat. He was too different whenever we met in person though, because he don’t talk to me or even say Hi, I often caught him looking at me but he doesn’t say anything. That’s quite odd but it was fine because i am not good at talking to new acquaintances anyway, so we continued being friends and chatted. I was thinking back then that maybe if he doesn’t have a girlfriend, which he had, I will definitely like him, actually as i think back right now, i kind of had a minor crush on him back then, but i restrained myself thinking that it was wrong because of his relationship. He accompanied me on one of our bootcamp for young people that year and it was a powerful one. After the bootcamp, i had several facebook fasting and it was the time we kind of drifted apart, after months of deactivating my account, we stopped chatting eventually and went on with our separate lives.
After two years, I received a revelation to go to school and took up music, I contacted him because he’s the only person i know that is in a music school. We started chatting a bit that summer because of my inquiries and at last i enrolled at the same school where he was. He’s in higher year and we just had 2 classes together, voice class and chorus class. I was relieved that he was there and i thought that the school won’t be too lonely for me, but i was utterly mistaken! He don’t talk to me, sometimes he don’t even look at me. I was very lonely in my first few days because i thought i was the weird kid, everyone called me “Kpop” because they thought i was Korean; i know that they were just joking, but it was really awkward for me; i am used to people calling me Chinese or Korean or Taiwanese but that time i was kind of hurt because i thought i was bullied, and this person that i know was not talking to me at all.
Anyway, time went by, I get used with the school environment and i noticed that he’s constantly absent! LOL I don’t see him at school most of the time and i get to have new friends. Anyway, we still chatted and i update him about the subject requirements; when the semester was about to end he started showing up, we had a couple of performances and he’s joining. I started to be very comfortable around my classmates and around him, so we started talking to each other. We got a bit more closer because he brought cards and we started playing together, they taught me how to play some games and i was really addicted. Anyway, there was this one performance that we had and he joined; I was in a corner waiting for the program to end and he suddenly came near to me and handed a pretty cupcake, my heart just skip a beat and i’m sure i blushed!! My friends teased me constantly that they’re sure he like me and we had this wonderful connection. Well it all started with that, I restrained myself most of the time because i know he’s in a relationship; however, as we got closer, he began confessing to me that his relationship was shaky for the longest time.
At our semester break, i went home and we began chatting day and night, I started to really fall for him that time, I kind of see him differently and i am liking him very much. I kept everything to myself because i don’t want to ruin his relationship with his girlfriend. I guess it was november first week that he told me that they broke up and that was it. We started to really get closer and closer until such time I just knew that he’s the one. I’ve been asking for a man that will make me feel very special and he’s so perfect with that desciption, He confessed that he had liked me ever since we first met and been longing to be friends with me for the longest time. We talked and talked for hours never bored with each other, laughing, teasing each other, confessing things about our past; that was the time I told myself that there’s no other person i want to spend my lifetime with than him. His name is Don Erich Gallego.
I was just listening to Paul Buchanan’s Mid Air and suddenly I fell into contemplation. Most of the things I heard right now about courtship and relationship is to always show the guy motive to let him do his first move. To be honest there were so many times I tried to make a move to let the guy I like to know what I felt, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I just can’t. One of the things I told myself after the last relationship I had, is to find a guy that would court me and pursue me, not just befriend me and make me fall inlove with him. I am a lady and I really believe that I am worth pursuing for. I’ve kept myself ready for that person and I think I am worth being courted with, to be treated special, to find that guy that would show me that I am special, the person that would be marrying me and had already married me a thousand times in his dreams. I know this would be difficult but I know he’ll be out there. God is preparing him. The randomness of my thoughts amuses me.
I’ve not blogged for a long time haha It’s been super busy lately and even my time for breathing has been scarce(lol). Anyway I am adjusting pretty well with the school and my schoolmates, I’ve made enough friends in the music department and I can say that I am liking everyone of them. Upper years has been too sweet in tutoring me in my piano lessons, they would just enter the piano room and teach me. It was such a pleasure to be with them, sometimes we would gather in the music lobby and just sing songs.
Anyway I started my cello lesson last week and it was such an excitement! I love piano and cello together so if I’ll be able to play them both then that would be an awesomeness. The thing that I love about cello is it’s melancholic and deep sound, I kind of see myself in it.
My youngest brother is now an Engineer! I went home this weekend and celebrated my other brother’s birthday and congratulated my youngest bro. I super love it. I am very happy. Thank you so much Lord!
The day got awesomer as it draws to close.It started on a very good breakfast with friends, they cooked fried rice, bacon, longganisa and egg, it was good to start the morning with lively chitchat. After eating I went to school and joined the class late. Nice and I went back to my pad to eat lunch and practice for our practical test on our voice class. She accompanied and we sang the notes. We came in late on our voice class, they’ve started vocalizing but we catch up and after awhile the dreadful practical exam started. We all have one piece to sing, it was the Concone fifty lesson no. 1, well all my classmates wasn’t able to get their accompanist so they sang accapella, too many flunked on the notes, but mostly it was because they don’t have an accompanist and it was nerve-racking. I was called and by then I realized how great my Father is, I have a virtuoso pianist as my friend and Nice accompanied me, I was suppeeerrr nervous and I kept telling myself that I’ve been singing for almost 10 years as a vocalist and been singing since I was 2, but it didn’t minimize it. As I started my first note, I didn’t hit it immediately and started a little shaky but after passing 4 notes, I got my confidence back and started singing fine. IT was okay I think I miss 1 note but it was all fine. I will make sure to ace it on our midterm then. heheheh anyway I have the greatest backer in the face of the earth, He was the maker of everything that moves and doesn’t hahaha He really chose the greatest friends for me, even when on my first course up until now, I have the best friends ever! I thank God for my compound girls and Nice.
I worked, practiced piano and meditate with my tea the whole afternoon and went to IVBI for our prayer watch 9-12 midnight. Marilou went with us so we have the luxury of riding in a car and eating fries inside. The theme/prayer points will be longing and I was the one playing the guitar as it has always been if we have prayer watches. We started singing and when we got to the song “That is why” we started crying and I was really crying heavily, I felt soooo much longing for God to hug me, to just lay my head on His shoulder and be released from all the weariness of life. I cried as I was reminded that the reason why I went to school to study music is to experience more of that part of Him, to know more about the art that I am lifting up to Him, to make Him smile, I was reminded of His love and my love for Him and how much I miss Him and how much I long for that day when He comes again. It was really good and after the prayer watch Marilou shared her vision to the group. She saw Jesus embracing me, Jesus wiping Leilani’s tears and tap Jen’s back. I also saw some movement while worship and I felt His presence in all of us. I was really very happy that I am so much love by God, I am so much love. I don’t even deserved it but He embraced me anyway. I prayed that “Lord I just want to hear You say that You love me, I just want to feel Your embraced” and He did it. I am so amazed and will forever be with the One True King of kings and Lord of lord, my FRIEND and my GOD! :) SOooo happy.